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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184244">Starting Over</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcg73/pseuds/vcg73'>vcg73</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kadam Kollection [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Glee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Kurt Relationship AU, M/M, Rehoming old fic, kadam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:15:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,624</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcg73/pseuds/vcg73</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt thinks over past relationships, wondering if he's ready to start over again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam Crawford/Kurt Hummel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Kadam Kollection [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1898668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Starting Over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As they had every night for the past week, Kurt’s eyes popped open just a couple of hours after he had managed to fall asleep, leaving him wide awake and restless. He groaned into his pillow, wondering why he could not seem to achieve a decent night’s sleep lately.</p><p>Kurt had been suffering bouts of insomnia off and on his entire life, usually when he was emotionally overwrought by some important event in his daily life. His mother’s death, Finn’s death, his father’s illnesses, his own days of being a bullying victim, his breakup with Blaine, assorted fights with his roommates.</p><p>There had been a lot of reasons over the years and he had learned all the tricks to putting himself to sleep. Hot showers before bed, warm milk with cinnamon, soothing white noise, the one armed embrace of his pillow-friend Bruce, even Ambien when the insomnia had been at its worst though he preferred not to depend too much on a drug to make him sleep. </p><p>Kurt had tried it all. The only real solution was usually to face his feelings and get past them, which was never easy but always worthwhile in the long run.</p><p>The problem was that Kurt had no idea what was causing his sleepless nights this time. His father was healthy, Carole was feeling much better now that she had started seeing a grief counselor, Santana and Rachel were no longer bickering every five minutes, school was going very well and his relationship with Blaine had been amicably dissolved after they had tried and failed at living together for a few months following Blaine’s move to New York.</p><p>Kurt rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about that last one. It had been a huge relief to finally talk things through and break off the engagement that had never really felt right. After a few months in the big city, Blaine was no longer so afraid of being alone, and Kurt was beginning to feel like maybe it was okay to concentrate on his own dreams for once.</p><p>Now they were just NYADA classmates and good friends, and that had a surprisingly nice feel to it. Much less spiritually confining than the engagement ring he had worn on his finger for just over a year. He had known they were really going to be okay when Blaine had started dating a guy in his ‘Intro to Stagecraft’ class (Those puppets had been no fluke, it turned out that Blaine was insanely good at crafting props.) and Kurt had felt no more than a pang of sorrow for what might have been. That more than anything had told him that he was finally ready to move on.</p><p>Maybe that was it. Maybe having no outside problem to focus on for once was drawing his subconscious back toward the path of his uncertain future. His job at Vogue continued to thrive. Isabelle had promoted him to part-time assistant.  It didn’t pay enough money to live a lavish lifestyle, but it offered really good benefits and there was room for advancement. He still had a couple of years to decide between fashion and stage as a career, or to find some way to combine the two, and he was content to take his time. </p><p>As for his love life, that had become a non-issue. He was not ready for another long-term serious commitment yet, and casual dates always seemed to end with the other guy expecting him to put out, or at least make out. And he had, a handful of times. A little temporary passion was fun and physically satisfying, but such dates always left Kurt feeling empty in the aftermath. Apparently, Kurt Hummel was really not a ‘wham, bam, thank you man’ type of guy.</p><p>Scooting onto his side, Kurt fished Bruce out from under his bed and got comfortable. He was lonely, he knew it was true but he had been denying it to himself ever since he and Blaine broke up. He suspected that loneliness was the real reason that he had accepted Blaine’s wish to become a couple again in the first place.</p><p>During their initial break up, Kurt had foolishly poured of all his fragile hopes and damaged dreams into a romance with the first man that was kind to him. Adam Crawford had been warm and flattering and genuinely admiring, almost too good to be true. Kurt had started falling for him within days of their first meeting and that fact, coming on the heels of Blaine’s betrayal, had terrified him.  They had not lasted long and somehow he had convinced himself that it meant he was not worthy of consideration and love. Between worry over his dad and the dissolution of his second relationship in six months, he had been an emotionally needy mess when he ran into Blaine again. It hadn’t taken much to push him back into those waiting arms.</p><p>Not that he blamed Adam for breaking up with him, Kurt mused. In retrospect, it was obvious that he had been doing all the wrong things in their relationship. He had not been able to let go of his past and had started unconsciously clinging to Adam like a love-sucking leech from the day they had gone to see that first romantic movie together. </p><p>It was a hard admittance, but Kurt knew that it was true. He had been trying so hard to replicate the sweet romantic high school relationship that had been snatched away from him that he had begun turning Adam into a substitute, drinking in his compliments and honest admiration like a man dying of thirst in the desert. He had started following the poor guy around like a lost puppy, wanting to be part of every facet of his life and becoming paranoid about his motivation every time Adam needed time alone. </p><p>Kurt had been feeling so insecure after having been cheated on that he had never really given his new relationship a fair chance to develop on its own, or given Adam a chance to be loved for who he was. Once things started to get serious, everything had been a side by side comparison, and a lot of frantic worry had set in about not being good enough for anyone. Adam had abruptly become the very rebound relationship that he had feared and when he had called it quits, Kurt had convinced himself that he was simply unworthy of love and rebounded back the other way.</p><p>Kurt could feel his face growing hot with embarrassment at the memory of how he had acted. He should have sought out a therapist, not a new boyfriend. Now he could not even blame Adam for asking for time apart. He must have realized what was happening a whole lot sooner than Kurt did, and Kurt cringed to think he had temporarily become <i>that</i> guy, the one who made everything about himself and never considered the other person’s point of view.</p><p>When Kurt had gone home for a visit only to come back engaged to his ex-boyfriend, it must have been like a stab to the the heart for Adam. No wonder he had asked, in that apologetic and regretful way of his, for Kurt to leave the Apples. He had actually phrased it as 'take a break’ from the group, and Kurt wondered now whether his own assumption that he had been kicked out completely had been correct. Maybe Adam had also needed some time to regroup. </p><p>If Kurt and Blaine had managed to become friends again after all they’d been through, would it not be possible for he and Adam to start over as well? And even if Adam had moved on and decided that it was too late and he wanted nothing to do with Kurt (a possibility that surprised him with how painful it was) he still owed him an apology for the way he had acted. After all, Kurt got on Rachel for treating other people like props in her personal drama all the time. Why should he not take his own advice and try to make amends?</p><p>Adam had graduated NYADA over a year ago, but Kurt knew from people he saw around school that the other man had obtained his Green Card and was still living in New York.</p><p>Kurt had tomorrow off and maybe he would go over to the school for a while anyway and talk to The Apples. They would know where to find Adam if anyone would.</p><p>On that thought, Kurt’s mind settled and he fell into a deep and dreamless sleep, a small smile upon his face.</p><p>~*~*~*~*~*~</p><p>The curtain went down for the final time, leaving the backstage area dim and quiet as actors shuffled off stage murmuring quietly to one another and exchanging plans for dinner.</p><p>Adam stayed on the empty stage for a couple of minutes, listening to the last of the evening’s patrons departing and enjoying the last few moments of energy that always emanated from a live performance. As everything went quiet, he sighed, closing his eyes and counting his breaths, allowing the adrenaline to fade from his system.</p><p>When he was fairly certain the place was empty, Adam pushed aside the heavy curtain and looked out, surveying the rows of empty seats.  Not too many rows, it wasn’t a very big theater, and less than half of those seats had been filled. The audience had seemed to enjoy the show, but there just hadn’t been enough people to guarantee that word of mouth would help the struggling little production.  Most likely they would be closing their doors within another month.</p><p>“You were really good tonight.”</p><p>Adam nearly jumped out of his skin, emitting a startled yelp that embarrassed him with its squeaky pitch. He turned quickly and realized that one of the seats at second row, stage left was still occupied. By Kurt Hummel.</p><p>“Kurt,” he said, a note of disbelief in his voice. “You came to my show?”</p><p>Kurt stood and made his way to the base of the stage, his approach graceful and slow, as if he were trying to avoid spooking a startled animal. And given his own reaction, Adam could not exactly blame him.</p><p>“I went to visit the Apples,” he said. “There was something I wanted to say to you and I wasn’t sure where to find you nowadays. They told me you were starring in a revival production of ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’ and I had to see it.”</p><p>“I’m surprised,” Adam admitted. “Murder mysteries with bodies galore never struck me as your sort of entertainment.”</p><p>Kurt smiled. “This one is a comedy so that’s different. It kind of reminded me of when I was a kid and I used to make my dad and his mechanics play Murder Mystery Dinner with me. Some of those evenings got pretty grisly, let me tell you, but they were always funny. I once ‘killed’ my dad's friend Cassius by bashing him in the head with a microphone. Well, technically Dad did it since he was the murderer that evening.”</p><p>Unable to hold it back, Adam grinned. “Well, as long as everyone lived to murder another day, I suppose that’s all right.”  He paused, looking over the handsome face and form of his former lover.  Kurt looked really good, healthy and handsome, projecting an air of serenity. “It’s nice to see you again.”</p><p>“You too.  I … I’ve missed you. And, I meant it about your show. You were excellent. I think I’m going to convince the girls to come see it with me again soon.”</p><p>Adam felt his cheeks turning red and hoped the blush was not visible underneath his stage makeup. He had been complimented quite a number of times since he began doing this show, but no one else had managed to make him feel giddy and bashful with just a few sincere words. “Thank you. I’m no Cary Grant, but it is an awfully fun part to play.  I actually auditioned for the brother, Jonathan, but they decided on Michael because he’s so bloody tall. He can loom over the rest of us better.” He laughed. “I can’t begrudge him the part though, he’s brilliant at it.”</p><p>“He is,” Kurt agreed. “I think you have better comic timing, but maybe I’m prejudiced. I do like the two ladies they hired to be your murderous old aunties a lot. They’re hilarious.”</p><p>“I’ll pass that along,” Adam told him.  “Kurt … not that I’m not glad you came today, but …”</p><p>Kurt nodded. “Moment of truth, huh?  I’m here because I wanted to apologize. No, I <i>needed</i> to apologize for the thoughtless way I treated you when we were together. For the way I disregarded your feelings to protect my own when I was so confused about what I wanted. For the way I clung to so desperately without giving much of anything back. Most of all, for panicking and getting back with Blaine just because I thought no one could really love me and I deserved him. I was selfish and my only excuse is that I honestly didn’t recognize what I was doing.  Which kind of makes it even worse. Because I should have seen what was happening.  I know what it’s like to be always relegated to second place and to be a convenience relationship to my friends and loved ones. I never meant to make you feel that way. It was terrible but … I hope not unforgivable?”</p><p>Adam knew that he was gaping like a fool, but he could not seem to stop. </p><p>When he did not say anything, Kurt gave a sad little nod and turned to leave. He was halfway up the aisle before Adam managed to regain control of his faculties and called, “Wait. Kurt, wait damn it!” He crouched down and hopped off the stage, running after Kurt. “Give a man a chance to process, would you?”</p><p>Kurt stopped, looking sheepish. “Sorry. I guess that was a lot to take in all at once.”</p><p>“It was, but … Kurt, of course I forgive you. I did so ages ago. Once I’d had a little time to get over the initial pain of and humiliation of being casually thrown over for your ex, I realized that you’d been nowhere near ready for a new relationship when we met. I think I did know that, deep down, and it was my own fault that I didn’t give you enough space to determine your readiness for yourself.”</p><p>Seeing Kurt about to protest, he held up his hand.</p><p>“No, it’s true. I followed you around and flirted with you at every opportunity.  I was only trying to assure you knew that I was interested, but looking back I can see I was pressuring you. I’m sorry for that. As for not giving anything back, Kurt you are so wrong in that. You gave me the world every time you kissed me, or laughed at my stupid jokes, or defended me and my Apples from the snobs at school. You were so wonderful and talented and brave that I felt lucky to be your friend, and absolutely honored to be your boyfriend.  Maybe that’s why I couldn’t see that your self esteem was so damaged and in need of care and space.  Rest assured that you do deserve good things, you were … you are loved and worthy to be so. I don’t consider you selfish for trying to heal your broken heart, even if you managed to batter mine a little in the process.”</p><p>Tears were sparkling in Kurt’s beautiful eyes, but he was smiling and that sight could still make Adam’s heart sing.</p><p>“I never stopped thinking about you, or caring about you,” he said quietly. “I guess I just needed a few months’ distance from any kind of romantic entanglement to know what I really wanted.  I can understand if you’re seeing someone else, or if you’re just not willing to give me a second chance, but … if that isn’t the case then I’d like to try again. Honestly and openly this time.  With no painful doubts and hovering ex-boyfriends to get in our way this time.”</p><p>Adam quelled the urge to yell, “Yes!” and jump into Kurt’s arms. He had to honestly consider this. Although it had been himself, rather than Kurt, who ended their association once he had accepted that he really was just a rebound, it had been Kurt who gave all the signals that led to it. Still, Kurt was clearly in a much better head-space now, evidenced by the fact that he had reexamined their relationship and felt the need to offer an apology without prompting.</p><p>“What happened to the fiancé?” He had to ask.</p><p>Kurt grimaced. “We broke up again. We’re friends now but we just weren’t meant to be as a couple. I finally accepted that I'd outgrown that relationship after spending a few months together.“</p><p>"May I be nosy and ask what changed your mind?” Adam asked carefully. He knew it was not his business, not really, but he really hoped that Kurt had not been cheated on a second time. If he was only trying to recreate history in hopes of a better outcome this would never work.</p><p>“No, it’s no secret,” Kurt said, not being privy to Adam’s private worries. “It was a lot of things, actually. Blaine got accepted to NYADA and joined all of my classes, moved in with me and refused to give me any space, then moved his best friend in with us rent free for several months. I was too territorial about my living space and decor. He threw a fit when I started getting what he felt was too much positive focus from other guys at school, and I didn't trust him to stay faithful when other guys paid attention to him. <i>Then</i> he blew me off repeatedly to become the pet of a rich old benefactress that I introduced him to. There were just too many irritating little habits that we couldn't get past in each other. Basically it was all wrong, and we finally accepted that high school Kurt and Blaine just weren't <i>us</i> anymore.”</p><p>Adam’s brows rose higher as the list grew. He managed, barely, to prevent himself from making an uncharitable comment about Kurt's ex, but Kurt clearly read it his expression anyway, for he shook his head with a rueful smile.</p><p>"I wish I could say that it was all his fault, but the truth is that I was already feeling like I’d made a mistake before he ever got to New York and I didn’t have the guts to say so. Having him around all the time made me feel tense and stubborn about clinging to the life I had built and I finally just snapped. Pretty soon we were fighting all the time about everything. Then I found out he’d started lying to me again, and well...”</p><p>Adam whistled and made a motion like diving off a cliff, ending in a crashing sound.</p><p>“Exactly,” Kurt laughed. “I gave him back his ring and sent him on his way. Then I took a few months to just live. It’s been refreshing to enjoy my own space and the freedom of being single. I never really did that before. In high school I drifted from crush to crush, then grabbed on tight to the first boy who seemed to want me. I tried to make him my forever even after I realized that we just weren't enough for each other. I guess I’m not that naive romantic little boy anymore.”</p><p>“This may sound a bit insensitive, but I’m glad,” Adam told him. “Some people never do realize that it’s all right to grow and change, or that they have a right to do so. I’m nowhere near being the same boy I was at sixteen, even twenty. We all grow up in stages and we need to give ourselves time to find out who we are as individuals before we try to adapt to being a permanent part of a couple.”</p><p>Kurt nodded. “I think so too.” He reached out hesitantly to take Adam’s hand, visibly relaxing when the gesture was accepted. “And sometimes growing up is realizing what a good thing you had in someone else. You’re a special man, Adam, and you made me a better person. I miss having you in my life.”</p><p>“I feel the same way about you,” he said, giving Kurt’s hand a squeeze. “And I think, if you’re quite sure about this, that I’d like to try again with you. A bit slower this time. What do you say we start with a date; that little coffee shop where we had our last first date? That was a good beginning and they’re open 24 hours if the conversation proves more than sufficient for a single refill.”</p><p>Kurt’s smile was like the sun breaking through a cold rainstorm, dissipating the chill and damp with warmth and promises of a better day. “I’d say that sounds great.”</p><p>Adam smiled back. “Great. Just let me go get cleaned up and changed and we’ll be off.”</p><p>“Can I wait in here?” Kurt asked, stroking the back of a theater seat.  “I like this place.”</p><p>“Me too, and I don’t see why not. I’ll tell the manager you’re out here so he doesn’t try to toss you.” Adam turned to go, then changed his mind and caught Kurt in a fierce hug that Kurt returned just as sincerely.  “I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Adam could hear the happiness in his voice as he promised, “I’ll be right here.”</p><p>THE END</p>
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